he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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