I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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