I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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