I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
