Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
this will be a night to untag.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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