Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
