god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
