yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
