Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
