I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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