we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
