Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
