My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
