Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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