Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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