i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
