I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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