I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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