She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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