12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
