She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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