She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
