what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
