Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The power of my boobs compel you
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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