just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
