Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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