By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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