forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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