dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
