I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
