my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
