Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
