Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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