At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want to make out with him forever
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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