God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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