dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Randomize
