I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
