So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
