At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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