I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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