Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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