woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Girls should come with a carfax report
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
