Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
