i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
