he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
