so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
