I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This is the high leading the old right now
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
