If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i've created a new STD.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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