Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
