if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
