i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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